You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside,
and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 TPT)
I found this article by Bethany Mandel an intriguing look at a different side of Mother’s Day. Generally, we celebrate the wonderful moms, or mourn those who have passed on, or otherwise remember the mothers and grandmothers who have gone before us. But not every mother-child relationship is positive.
As the birth rate declines, we’re hearing a lot from people who have decided not to have kids. Sometimes, it’s because they imagine life is easier or more fun without children (neither of which is true, I would say, as a mother of six). But there’s another troubling excuse that is cropping up, both online and in conversations I’ve had with friends. It comes from women who say they don’t want to have children because their own childhood was unstable or traumatic.
These women are afraid they may pass on negative patterns and hurt their own children the way they have been hurt. They’re afraid that, because they didn’t experience love as a child, that they may not be able to love their own children adequately. As one woman wrote of her decision not to have kids, “My mother’s mothering was like a hurricane, knocking me every which way during the years we lived together, and once I left her, I knew I was going to have to devote the rest of my life to trying to feel like I was standing on solid ground.”
…I have found parenting (and in particular, parenting well) to be therapeutic beyond measure. I often look at my children and think about what my childhood was like at their ages. My fifth child, a toddler approaching 3 years old, is the age I was when my parents divorced; my third child, about to turn 7, is the age I was when I stopped seeing my father regularly. My oldest daughter at 10 is the age I was when my relationship with my father was irrevocably fractured. Recently, our youngest daughter, a 4-year-old with a voice as sweet as sugar, told her dad, “Everyone loves you because you’re handsome and smell good and you’re so nice.” The dichotomy between her perception of her father and mine at her age is striking, and her love for her father brings me a great deal of comfort and joy.
Frank Sinatra famously once said, “The best revenge is massive success.” I feel that way about my troubled childhood; my best revenge against it is the massive success of the family I’ve built. I’m not alone in feeling that way; I heard the same from other mothers from less than ideal family backgrounds.
…”I don’t think it would have been possible for me to heal from my childhood if I hadn’t had children,” she said. “I grew up in severe abuse of multiple kinds, didn’t know what decent parents did or how it felt. Learning how to be a good mother to my own kids was the only thing that has helped me learn how to reparent myself. It has been profoundly healing and has enabled me to be a good parent, intentionally and consciously. If someone isn’t willing to heal themselves then probably not the best idea to become a parent. But if you are willing to grow and learn and heal, becoming a parent is one of the best ways to support that – and it gives the child an amazing parent.”
…Dr. JD Friedman, partner and clinical psychologist at Baker Street Behavioral Health, was optimistic about healing through parenting after trauma. “Sometimes people make that assumption that because I went through [something difficult], then I should not also be a parent,” he said. “There are cases where that may be true, but I also think there are cases where people may not be giving themselves enough opportunity or enough credit for being resilient, being able to do the work of being a much better parent or better family than what they experienced. It can be healing for parents who have been through a bad childhood themselves because they get to vicariously experience some of the things they missed,” Friedman continued. “But also because they have an opportunity to be that better parent or be that better family member than what they experienced themselves. That can be very empowering and can be healthy for a person to be able to have that kind of experience where they transcend or be able to get beyond what they themselves had to endure.”
Parenting often feels like a balancing act, and parenting after childhood trauma is even more so. It’s sometimes difficult to ensure that trauma isn’t superimposed onto your own children and that they’re able to experience a childhood of innocence and happiness. That’s not always easy for any parent, no matter their family history, but for those of us with troubled origin stories, it’s incredibly healing to be able to provide for our children what we weren’t able to enjoy ourselves.
God,
Today on Mother’s Day we give thanks for the mothers in our world. Whether by choice, chance, adoption, or as a spiritual mama, we thank you for the ways in which you have used these women to love and care for all the children of the world. Today we especially pray for adults whose childhood was filled with trauma or hardship. We pray that you would speak into their lives with your healing grace. Be their resilience and their hope. Show them how much you love them and how they can fully love others. Help them see your vision for their lives, and especially their parenting, and to grow into the fullness you have created for them. Help us to encourage all moms to grow in love, faith, hope, grace, and peace. We pray you will pour out your joy, and bless and keep all moms in the palms of your hands, Lord Jesus. In your name we pray, AMEN.
Who could ever find a wife like this one —
she is a woman of strength and mighty valor!
She’s full of wealth and wisdom.
The price paid for her was greater than many jewels.
11Her husband has entrusted his heart to her,
for she brings him the rich spoils of victory.
12All throughout her life she brings him what is good and not evil.
13She searches out continually to possess
that which is pure and righteous.
She delights in the work of her hands.
14She gives out revelation-truth to feed others.
She is like a trading ship bringing divine supplies
from the merchant.
15Even in the night season she arises and sets food on the table
for hungry ones in her house and for others.
16She sets her heart upon a field and takes it as her own.
She labors there to plant the living vines.
17She wraps herself in strength, might, and power in all her works.
18She tastes and experiences a better substance,
and her shining light will not be extinguished,
no matter how dark the night.
19She stretches out her hands to help the needy
and she lays hold of the wheels of government.
20She is known by her extravagant generosity to the poor,
for she always reaches out her hands to those in need.
21She is not afraid of tribulation,
for all her household is covered in the dual garments
of righteousness and grace.
22Her clothing is beautifully knit together —
a purple gown of exquisite linen.
23Her husband is famous and admired by all,
sitting as the venerable judge of his people.
24Even her works of righteousness
she does for the benefit of her enemies.
25Bold power and glorious majesty are wrapped around her
as she laughs with joy over the latter days.
26Her teachings are filled with wisdom and kindness
as loving instruction pours from her lips.
27She watches over the ways of her household
and meets every need they have.
28Her sons and daughters arise in one accord to extol her virtues,
and her husband arises to speak of her in glowing terms.
29“There are many valiant and noble ones,
but you have ascended above them all!”
30Charm can be misleading,
and beauty is vain and so quickly fades,
but this virtuous woman lives in the wonder, awe,
and fear of the Lord.
She will be praised throughout eternity.
31So go ahead and give her the credit that is due,
for she has become a radiant woman,
and all her loving works of righteousness deserve to be admired
at the gateways of every city! (Proverbs 31:10-31 TPT)
https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/one-fear-preventing-some-women-having-children